HOLDING IT ALL
Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend a beautiful and inspirational workshop given by the poet/philosopher/spiritual writer, Mark Nepo. He is the author, among other books, of The Book of Awakening: Having the Life You Want By Being Present To the Life You Have, a New York Times' best seller.
There were many nuggets of beauty and wisdom for me to pluck and absorb from the workshop, and I will continue to reflect upon them in the weeks and months ahead while incorporating them into my work and conversations with clients and friends.
Many of the ideas were not new, but Nepo’s way of synthesizing and expressing them were fresh and captivating.
One theme that keeps bubbling to the surface is that of life’s inevitable and always present paradoxes. If we look around us, and we generally don’t have to look very far, -just check the news-we can see these paradoxes, these contradictions. There is tremendous cruelty and also great kindness; there are people and things coming to the end of their lives and those that are emerging, being born and bursting with life; there is great sadness and great joy. These things have always been true, but sometimes it seems that one force, one side of the scale is about to topple the other.
The question becomes how we can hold all of these things without becoming overwhelmed, pushing some of them away and/or clinging to others. How can we just hold them as one integrated whole and soak up and in our rich, contradictory life tapestry?
There is no one way, but learning to be present with all the emotions that life’s contradictions bring forth in us and opening our hearts to them can help. Sometimes this can be challenging and difficult emotions may arise.
By setting aside time each day to sit quietly and observe our thoughts, emotions and body sensations as they arise and disappear, without getting caught up in them is great practice for “real life”.
One mindful meditation practice which can be helpful to deal with our challenging emotions is called RAIN which is a four step process:
1. R-Recognize
2. A-Accept
3. I-Investigate
4. N- Non-identification
Here is a brief explanation and description of the practice by psychologist and author Dr. Rick Hanson:
R = Recognize: Notice that you are experiencing something, such as irritation at the tone of voice used by your partner, child, or co-worker. Step back into observation rather than reaction. Without getting into story, simply name what is present, such as “annoyance,” “thoughts of being mistreated,” “body firing up,” “hurt,” “wanting to cry.”
A = Accept (Allow): Acknowledge that your experience is what it is, even if it’s unpleasant. Be with it without attempting to change it. Try to have self-compassion instead of self-criticism. Don’t add to the difficulty by being hard on yourself.
I = Investigate (Inquire): Try to find an attitude of interest, curiosity, and openness. Not detached intellectual analysis but a gently engaged exploration, often with a sense of tenderness or friendliness toward what it finds. Open to other aspects of the experience, such as softer feelings of hurt under the brittle armor of anger. It’s OK for your inquiry to be guided by a bit of insight into your own history and personality, but try to stay close to the raw experience and out of psychoanalyzing yourself.
N = Not-identify (Not-self): Have a feeling/thought/etc., instead of being it. Disentangle yourself from the various parts of the experience, knowing that they are small, fleeting aspects of the totality you are. See the streaming nature of sights, sounds, thoughts, and other contents of mind, arising and passing away due mainly to causes that have nothing to do with you, that are impersonal. Feel the contraction, stress, and pain that comes from claiming any part of this stream as “I,” or “me,” or “mine” – and sense the spaciousness and peace that comes when experiences simply flow.
Try this practice the next time you are feeling overwhelmed. It might just help and allow you to open up to things as they are.